stronger

i’m back. it’s been years since my last post. please forgive the lack of caps. i don’t have the energy or need to correct all the imperfections i’m sure will arise in my writing. a year ago I would have cared but now everything is so massively different within me.

let me explain, I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer one year ago. that’s stage four cancer for those of you who don’t know what metastatic means. this means the cancer spread out of my breast and into my bones and liver and maybe my lungs. docs are watching that.

i had treatment last summer - high powered radiation to my three little tumors - and all was stable until now. i just found out friday that one of the tumors in my liver has doubled in size. it’s still small but it doubled in 3 months. i mistakenly thought i was out of the really bad woods. i was in bad woods for sure, but not the hold-your-breath, throat-choking, sunami-of-grief woods.

yet here I am.

i have a need to write again. to clarify who I am and what life means in the face of my sooner than expected demise. i have made a great deal of progress in the past year. I have surprised myself with my strength. we are all stronger than we know. got that?

you are stronger than you know. 

i have a need to help others who are struggling with either alcoholism or cancer or depression or anxiety. i have a need to leave a legacy. this is another reason for writing.

so please share my blog with whoever you think might benefit.

i’ll update you now on my sobriety. i’m sober - one year now. it was easy because i had the worst hit bottom one can imagine. i’m ashamed it took that much to wake me up. i sometimes blame my recurrence on drinking. My oncologist says no, it wasn’t the drinking. it’s the cancer stupid. i’m not sure if she is just being nice. she’s a top researcher in the field so she should know.

I will fill you in later on the ups and downs of my sobriety during the missing years in my blog.

I remember sitting in my car the day I read the x-ray report that contained the word “metastatic”. i remember thinking “what have I done? dear god, what have I done?” One of those impervious steel doors you see in movies slammed down and closed off that shame/guilt/horror grief for another day. it was like an alien movie where Ripley hits a button and walls off the monster. but the monster is still there.

will this blog be a cautionary tale?  maybe. but it will also be my attempt at self-forgiveness and self-compassion in the face of that monster. in the face of all the monsters i will find peace and strength and joy. i will. thanks for witnessing my journey. witness kills the monsters.

i will be slowly reposting my old posts. i have been asked by several people to put them back up. people have told me i helped them. i hope the posts brewing in my head will help some people too. and i need support.

much love and kindness,

me